NFLSU Week 5 Recap

Zac Taylor will answer for his crimes

The NFL season is five weeks in and this slate of games was just as weird as the first four. Let’s break down how our LSU alumni did.

Colts 12 at Broncos 9 (OT)

Usually I’m mad whenever a game features zero LSU players, but this time I’m mad that Lloyd Cushenberry III’s presence in Denver means I have to acknowledge this game happened.

NFLSU Score: 1/10

Giants 27 at Packers 22

Last week’s London game featured the most LSU action of any NFL game so far. Unfortunately this week’s London game featured nothing for us to enjoy.

NFLSU Score: 0/10

Steelers 3 at Bills 38

Once again the Buffalo Bills are a delightfully good football team and they will be even more fun for us once Tre’Davious White suits up again. Until then all we have is Reid Ferguson.

NFLSU Score: 1/10

Chargers 30 at Browns 28

Jacob Phillips had a whopping ten tackles including a sack, and Grant Delpit had nine. But it was a much rougher day for our beloved Cade York who went 0-2 on field goals including what would have been a game-winner. As I’ve said previously, there are cosmic forces working against the Cleveland Browns at all times. A man can only kick so many game-winners for God’s most hated sports team.

NFLSU Score: 7/10

Texans 13 at Jaguars 6

Believe it or not the Houston Texans gave us something worth celebrating: Derek Stingley Jr’s first career NFL interception!

I mean yeah it was a terrible ball by Lawrence but Sting still played it beautifully from the start. As you can infer from the final score, keeping the Jags out of the end zone here was the difference in the game. Stingley added seven tackles and two pass breakups in addition to the pick. On the Jags side Arden Key didn’t have a tackle but had two QB hits.

NFLSU Score: 6/10

Bears 22 at Vikings 29

Kirk Cousins seems to have finally figured out that force-feeding Justin Jefferson is a pretty good strategy. Jets had 12 catches for 154 yards. When he got bored of catching, Justin also channeled his eldest brother.

For the record I would’ve included the Friday Night Lights reference if the Vikings account hadn’t already.

If that wasn’t enough for you Danielle Hunter had six tackles and a sack while Patrick Peterson had four tackles.

NFLSU Score: 8/10

Seahawks 32 at Saints 39

Al Woods had a big day against the team that drafted him with five tackles and a sack. Tyrann Mathieu had five tackles as well. Jarvis Landry was out with an ankle injury but will hopefully be back next week for a matchup you’ll hear more about later in this article.

NFLSU Score: 4/10

Lions 0 at Patriots 29

Davon Godchaux had four tackles, Jalen Mills had three. God I’m so happy these Pats uniforms are back.

NFLSU Score: 3/10

Dolphins 17 at Jets 40

Kwon Alexander was the second LSU linebacker with ten tackles on this day. Duke Riley had one.

NFLSU Score: 5/10

Falcons 15 at Buccaneers 21

Leonard Fournette was Tampa’s leading rusher and receiver with 56 yards on 14 carries and 83 yards on ten catches. He also had the Bucs’ only two touchdowns on the day, one on the ground and one through their air. He celebrated the latter with a cardboard cutout of himself.

Devin White had five tackles. Russell Gage caught two passes for 20 yards and also caught a two-point conversion.

After the game the Falcons traded Deion Jones to Cleveland, leaving them without an LSU Tiger on the roster. Jerome Boger was right to make that call.

NFLSU Score: 7/10

Titans 21 at Commanders 17

Kristian Fulton had four tackles.

NFLSU Score: 3/10

49ers 37 at Panthers 15

Everybody call your parents/friends/coworkers and tell them the great news: Terrace Marshall Jr caught four passes for 30 yards in an NFL game! Matt Rhule was fired the next day so maybe things will get better for TMJ? Or maybe another team might take a chance on him with half the Panthers roster up for grabs in trade talks. Donte Jackson had four tackles as well.

NFLSU Score: 4/10

Eagles 20 at Cardinals 17

Darrel Williams had three carries for nine yards. I guarantee this Cinderella Eagles season will colapse if they don’t acquire an LSU Tiger soon.

NFLSU Score: 1/10

Cowboys 22 at Rams 10

Nothing here for us unless y’all want me to start reporting Kelvin Joseph’s stats? If anyone does let me know!

NFLSU Score: 0/10

Bengals 17 at Ravens 19

After dropping bombs on the Ravens twice last year, Joe Burrow had a rougher time Sunday night. He went 24/35 for 217 yards with two TDs and one INT. Oh hey, look who got that interception!

The Ravens’ defensive strategy of keeping everything in front was effective as Ja’Marr Chase was held to 50 yards on seven catches. Although everyone who watched the game knows the play-calling was… uh, well those plays were called alright.

Cincy’s next game is in New Orleans where Joe and Ja’Marr return to the building where they won a national title and cemented themselves as LSU legends. There has been a lot of #discourse on my timeline from Saints, LSU and Saints/LSU fans about what they’ll be rooting for Sunday. As someone who bleeds black and gold but also wants great things for Joe and Ja’Marr every time they step on the football field, I have a solution that would satisfy both parties.

A 52-0 Saints win that causes Zac Taylor to get fired. Everybody ends up happy! (Eventually)

NFLSU Score: 8/10

Raiders 29 at Chiefs 30

Clyde Edwards-Helaire faced some tough sledding. He ran nine times for 15 yards and caught three passes for 20 yards. However he came up one yard short of the end zone TWICE. I’m sorry to bring up my fantasy team again, but I had Clyde and lost by 12. Fuck Travis Kelce.

NFLSU Score: 2/10